I have had many friends and family hit with cancer; some survived, some didn't. It is a loss that can only be understood by those affected by it. Cancer is an ugly word, and it brings a bleakness with it that teeters on a wall of faith and unbelief at the same time. A hope that may or may not play out like we want it to.
Never having cancer myself, I don't know the feeling. I can't understand the earth shattering realization of a diagnosis that can bring utter hopelessness and the full force of ones mortality right up in your face. No, I don't know the anxiety of having doctors appointments up the wazoo or the pain of a bone marrow test. The physical inconvenience of a chemo-port is unimaginable let alone the taste of chemicals during many hours of treatment for months on end. Then there is the fatigue, nausea, throwing up and body pain that the cancer itself brings. Tons of medications day after day...
No, I don't understand.
But...what I do understand is, the sheer terror a mother feels when her only child tells her that they have cancer. Regardless of the survival rate, there is always the percentage of those who didn't make it. Having Faith that they will be healed...or not. Trying to put on a brave face when they are so positive and you're going through an emotional hell.
Every time you see a picture of your child, you are reminded of the innocence they had and no matter how old they are, that's who you see, your baby, your child.
The feelings of hopefulness...and helplessness.
The importance of supporting your child and keeping as much stress away from them as possible, and forgetting sometimes that although they look "okay", they aren't.
I know these feelings well. The times when all you can do is rub their back, make soup, or run out in the middle of the night for meds and special needs.
No matter how well things are going, there is a nagging "what if" in the back of your mind. Maybe you're enjoying a movie or music, or just working, then out of nowhere something triggers full on tears.
Thoughts are powerful. Feelings are powerful. Faith is powerful. Doubt is powerful.
I just want to encourage you that these feelings are normal. It's okay. You will make it. Be the support they need. Love them, hold them. Never let a day go by that you don't tell them you love them. Life is precious. My child is in a healing pattern and I'm thankful for every moment he is in my life. Keep your chin up. I understand your pain as a parent and as a support person. Life throws nasty curve balls, but throw them right back.
When you're feeling like hell has broken loose, there are those of us who will help hold your arms up. We've been there and we will help you through it. Through the emotions. At least I will. You will make mistakes, that's par for the course. You won't do everything right, that's okay too. You won't always be a perfect support, get over it. Just remember... YOU ARE NOT ALONE....
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